Diaper Duty
Much to my dismay, I’ve found that I have a system for changing my
son. I should have known it would happen. Our once well-decorated shelf
is no longer; functionality won out over form. Baby wipes replaced
knick knacks. Diapers now reside in the previous home of picture
frames. It didn’t take us long to realize the tools of the trade
needed to be handy.
Now these tools are used in a sequence of very repeatable steps. Just
as a carpenter hones his craft, my skills have been sharpened to
a razor’s edge. I do this completely without showing my butt crack
(even though a butt crack is still definitely involved). Here are the steps:
The Preparation
Lay Cambell down on the table, making sure that no remnants of the
last change remain. Just where did that spot on the sheet come from?
Pull out a baby wipe. Ready the pee rag. You want these
two primed and ready. If needed, prepare the Desitin by opening
the tube and squeezing just a bit out the top. You don’t want
to be searching for tools once the fireworks begin. In this case,
it is him with his pants down, not you.
The Change
Release the shoot. Set the pee rag in place. This is purely
a protective measure.
Remove the diaper, taking care to keep the child clear of
the waste below. Wipe the bottom clean, making sure to get
every crease and crevice. This is not a job for the shy.
Quickly replace the old diaper with a new one.
You never know when Mount Saint Campell can erupt.
Your speed could make the difference between filling a new diaper
or firing a round across the changing table. (I can assure both
of these events have occurred. In fact, this morning, he filled
three diapers. Yes, three.)
If the fountain of youth erupts, hope that the stream can be directed
into the rag or led into the new diaper. Take heed. An unprepared
parent can end up with a wet child or a wet shirt. A golden shower
does not smell like lemons.
The Finale
Close up shop. One last note: we have a boy. The last step
before the diaper is sealed is just as important as the change
itself. I sum it up in two words:
periscope down.
